Ten years ago my husband and I embarked on a journey. We had just graduated college. After saying, "I do," we moved to a new town to begin his quest through medical school, ortho residency, and now ortho trauma fellowship. Through two moves, three kids, and now living apart for a year during fellowship, I have learned a thing or two about making a marriage work during medical training.
1. Stop waiting for the day your doctor in training will have more time.
I hate to burst your bubble, but this day never comes, especially for surgeons. At first, I would think that if we could just make it to (fill in the blank with the next step), that my husband would be home for dinner, after school activities, heck, even bedtime for the kids. It's been 10 years, and it hasn't happened yet. This is one of those things that when I realized that it wouldn't change and accepted it, I became a happier person. During residency, our kids sometimes saw him two weeknights at the most, seeing as how they were long in bed by the time he got home. We have used Facetime for bedtime and even birthday parties. You have to adapt to the hours. They will not change.
2. Learn to manage the household alone.
Okay, that may sound harsh, but you want the truth, right? My husband goes to work, and that's mostly it. However, when work means 80+ hours per week, that's all there is time for. When he is home, spending time with the kids is top priority. That means any and everything that needs to be done around the house falls to me. Pay the bills, check. Do all household chores, check. Take the kids to all practices and appointments, check. There is no point in nagging your spouse to do things that realistically, there is no time for. Find a system that works for you and buckle down and get it done. I no longer find this area of our lives overwhelming.
3. Use the small bits of time to connect.
If you are married to a surgeon, you probably get the same kind of phone calls that I do. My husband usually calls in the few minutes that he has between cases. The calls are usually brief, as he is getting ready to scrub in yet again. But I urge you to make the most of those few minutes. Take the time to really listen and respond. Sure, it is easy to get distracted by kids or even the hustle and bustle in the background of the call, but this may be your one chance to connect all day. Make it count. Really listen. Say "I love you."
4. If you have kids, prepare to do most of the parenting.
It's funny to watch old TV shows and see the moms threaten the kids with, "Wait until your father gets home!" Boy, that line wouldn't work around here. My kids would probably like it. They would just be waiting and waiting, ha! The truth is, the majority of parenting falls to me, as I am with the kids full time. Sure, I consult my husband on bigger issues, but day to day discipline, activities, appointments, and routines are my responsibility. When we decided to have kids in med school, I knew that this would be the case. Make sure you are okay with this before starting a family.
5. Recognize the sacrifices that you are both making.
We are both exhausted. The end of fellowship is near. It's been a long, ten year journey. While I recognize the countless hours of endless studying and operating that my husband has put in, he also recognizes that being a full time parent to three kids is a 24/7 job. I (gladly) gave up my career to raise our family while he is in training. We recognize that we would not be where we are today without each other. Somehow we found a way to mesh medical training and family. It can be done. But don't forget the "thank yous" and "I love yous" along the way.
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